Big News Release!

This is amazing! This has just come in through some confidential sources. Pottermore HAS FINALLY THROWN IN THE TOWEL AND TALKED. 

In an email released early this morning for the UK, the current CEO of Pottermore, Susan Jurevics, has finally taken the time to talk to users and has gone over all the things that Pottermore and it’s staff dislike.  She begins by saying, “I like to think that by having Pottermore, we’re doing our part to kill interest in reading when children are young. We’re protecting them because words hurt my head, as do numbers, why do you think we tried to ban so many of them! We do our best to serve the Potter brand by remembering where the real money came from. Magic. Really we’re so pissed off that we have to deal with this stupid ebook stuff that we have made it a point to try and kill our own company, making things as unpleasant as possible so people will just decide to watch the films instead because of how pretty our pictures are.” We did try and ask for more detail from the famously reclusive CEO, but when our source asked, the ever-wise CEO, sorted into Gryffindor for her candor and brave direction, merely pulled up a pink plate with a kitten on it shouting, “We are appreciative of your enthusiasm and passion for Pottermore, please continue to feedback your observations and frustrations and we are sure to see improvements in the future” over and over until our source had to leave, the screaming getting annoying the thirteenth time she shouted the phrase. 

When asking staff, we are also surprised to learn about the joy and humanity that they have. Staff says that they enjoy a maximum of one coffee bean per day allowed to them by their supervisor Velma DiMore, as well as many other perks like free air to breathe, and the ability to make others suffer almost as much as they are. On that note, Pottermore's workers have also been sincerely disappointed, not in the lackluster sales of ebooks (as mentioned earlier, they see the decreasing sales as a sign of progress in the march to illiteracy), but to the lack of misery as of late. "Users are too happy" says Cedric, one of Pottermore's moderators, well known for his sparkley demeanor and cold, deadpan deliveries. As a result, we have an exclusive scoop, that Pottermore plans to increase the misery by extending this cup "until those damn snakes give up already" as well as another Million Point competition, rewarding the amount of reports each house filed against others.  This was inspired by the animosity from the first competition, as well as taking pages out of the hunger games, where the ultimate goal on their part is to break down the population and whatever unity may exist between the houses. 

Finally, Pottermore has leaked its new improvements, awarding one point per duel won, 90% more glitches, And the imminent release of Deathly Hallows, which will comprise of three moments and an alternate ending, where Draco and Voldemort stand over a dead Harry twerking. Pottermore’s art team considers this to be one of the best moments of their work, and believes that this sort of slight adjustment to the source material definitely keeps Pottermore highly relevant.

Yes, April Fool's. I hope all of you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it. 

-Runi.